Marriage Equality

Ever since the U.S. Supreme Court pronounced marriage equality the law of the land, that crowning achievement has presented a confounding challenge to a group that's prided itself on being different. As victories accumulate for LGBT people, their institutions and rites of passage seem to be fading away. From Provincetown to Boystown, gay bars and nightclubs have turned into candle stores, frozen yogurt shops and memories. Drag shows are now filled with bachelorette parties, and gay couples are migrating to the suburbs to raise children born by surrogacy. The 50th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, a defining moment for the gay rights movement, brought people from every nation in the world to reenact the occasion with a glorious march through the streets of New York City. Yet some who raced to altars in 2015 now say they feel a loss amidst the celebrations. The creative grit and determination with which the gay community confronted discrimination, stigma, and persecution was their creed, but was conforming to the status quo in America their cause?

The late Reverend Elizabeth Tarbox, of the Unitarian Universalist Church, began our commitment ceremony as we stood knee deep in waving grass against the world.

Holy and beautiful the custom which brings us together. To face our ideals, make confessions, offer forgiveness, be strengthened, and celebrate. In this blessed place, in this sacred moment, breathes the worship of ages. So let us be alive to this moment and be joyful.

It was bewitching, the notion of a single constant attachment, and all that can be said of happiness revolving entirely around one particular person. But as I declared my love that summer night some 30 years ago, I knew in point of fact that love had yet to be tested. For any two people can snuggle by a fire, but who is reaching for you on that long, cold night that always follows?

We'd lived by a gentlemen's agreement for more than two decades before the Supreme Court ruled in 2015 that the U.S. Constitution guarantees the right to same-sex marriage. "No union is more profound than marriage," Justice Anthony M. Kennedy wrote in the historic decision. "For it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice and family."

Yet marriage, in the eyes of the law, is merely an institution of property, and propertizing a personal relationship often comes with a cost. If or when a lawmaker, clergyman, or lawyer intervenes in a marriage, they interfere with a uniquely personal and evolving relationship. Moreover, they intrude upon the couple's right and responsibility to govern themselves.

Much like a business, when today's couples become incompatible with one another they often downsize, outsource and sell. Yet a company is quite different from a lifelong companion in this remarkable way. While a corporation is predicated on a cost benefit analysis, an enduring companionship has no bottom line. It's the smile around which the miracle of faith, hope and forgiveness ever turns, and those are older bonds than any contract.

"Marriage is the keystone of our social order," Justice Kennedy concluded, adding that the plaintiffs in the case were seeking "equal dignity in the eyes of the law." But love and law are two very different things. It's a reality the gay community confronted, reconciled, and would be well advised to carry on.